Spending My Money In the Age of 'So Be It'

This from the Desert Beacon was just too good to leave ‘over there’. I think it deserves more play. -maven

Read and enjoy:

The continual refrain from the GOP would have me believe that I know how best to spend my money, so the “gummint” should take less of it from me and allow me to spend it myself. Lovely. I just have a few questions concerning what I’m supposed to do with my dollars:

How do I hire a person to give me up to date tsunami and earthquake warnings?  If I hire by very own weather forecasters and seismologists, does this mean that my neighbors would have to subscribe to a service as well, and if the people down the block can’t afford their very own private Early Warning Subscription Service, then, as the current Speaker of the House says, “So be it?”

How do I hire a financial auditor to review the fiscal condition of stocks and bonds I might be interested in purchasing for my investment portfolio? Do I have to hire someone to inspect the books and records of a corporation to see if there is any insider trading or other illegal actions that would be relevant to my purchase?  If I can’t hire a financial auditor, then if I unwarily buy fraudulent stocks, then “So be it?”

How do I hire a person to conduct inspections to see if my drinking water is sanitary enough to ingest?  If my home is served by a private water company, whom should I hire to test whether or not the company’s water purity results are accurate, and don’t simply tell me what the corporation wants me to believe? Do I, and perhaps my neighbors have to become ill, before we know that there was something a little extra in the tap water?  If there isn’t another water service in the area — do I simply have to “swallow it” and say “So be it?”

How do I hire a personal food inspector? Should I hire a personal taster to know that the meat and food products I’m ingesting are safe for consumption?  If my taster should fall afoul of the fowl then do I merely go out and hire another taster, saying to the taster’s bereaved spouse — “So be it?”

How do I hire a personal police officer? I know that there are security firms available to assist with any criminal activity on my own property, but after I spend all that money on a personal weather forecaster, personal auditor, personal water inspector, and personal food taster — do I have enough left for my security guards?  And, how do I hire someone to protect all the roads on which I drive or the parks I might visit?

How do I hire a personal road and bridge inspector?  If I drive on private roads and bridges, or over private dams, how do I know that the inspections, maintenance, and repairs are current and honest?  Do I wait until the infrastructure crumbles beneath me and then say, “So be it?”

How do I hire a personal fire department? Must I subscribe to a fire fighting service, and if my neighbor can’t afford such protection then do I simply say “So be it” when the sparks from the neighborhood conflagration start flying perilously toward my roof?

How do I hire someone to research which pesticides and herbicides or other chemicals might do damage to my property, or to the food I eat, or the plants I raise?  In the “old days” before all my tax dollars were returned to my wallet I might have looked up the information from the County Extension Service.  So, if the neighbors decide to dump toxic waste on their property which might easily seep onto mine…do I just say “So be it?”  And, how do I protect my property from pollution caused by someone who dumps sludge immediately across from my property line? “Oh, well,” I say, “So be it.”

How do I hire my very own personal health inspectors?  Do I have to hire someone, or subscribe to a service, reporting which doctor’s offices, dental partnerships, gyms, restaurants, and service station rest rooms are sanitary and safe? Or, do I just take my chances with some stoicism as I collect bacteria and a few viruses, saying “So be it?”

How do I hire a customs and border patrol agent?  Better still, what do I tell that person to do? Do I task the person with protecting the borders from only those who would ultimately arrive on my property?  If not everyone decides to hire their own agents do I shrug and say “So be it?”

How do I hire my own personal structural engineer to plan and perhaps later inspect the quality of the buildings in which I might live or do business?  Do I merely wait for the structures to crumble beneath their flashy modern exteriors on my head, and if I am so lucky as to make it out alive, I breathe a sigh of relief and say “So be it?”

How do I hire a forensic accountant who will insure that the institutions in which I deposit my money or make my investments aren’t indulging in money laundering or other nefarious criminal activities?  If such goings on are noted, do I merely say “So be it?” Or, should we be exercising some oversight to see that organized (or unorganized) crime isn’t taking place?

How do I hire someone to review and report on any household products which I might be interested in purchasing?  How am I to know if baby furnishings are safe? If car safety seats are adequate? If my clothing is ultra-flammable? If there is lead in the toys I am giving during the holidays?  In the “bad old days” I could look up the information at the Consumer Products Safety Commission web site, now that the House has passed H.R. 1 cutting funding for the site, am I just supposed to buy the clothes — and if they catch fire easily — “So be it?”

How do I hire a person to oversee any financial products I might be interested in purchasing, like a mortgage or a credit card or a car loan?  Do I need to hire an attorney and accountant each and every time I apply for credit at a department store, or do business with my local car dealer?  If some bank or other financial institution has hidden fees or terms that balloon up out the the nether regions — do I just tell myself that “silly me, I’ve been had,” and say “So be it?”

How do I hire my own personal printer for documents? Must I hire someone to reprint local, state, and national reports, statutes, proposed rules and regulations and send them to me? And, if I miss a few public comment periods because I’m not aware of proposed statutes, rules, and regulations do I smile wanly and say “So be it?”

How do I hire my own energy researcher?  If I want a more fuel efficient vehicle must I hire someone to do the research on the design, and the manufacturing possibilities, and the marketing potential? Once again, in those Bad Old Days when the government took my money, there were universities, both public and private, which took on contracted research from corporations to look into these questions, but if I am to control my own money — how do I judge which research projects have the most potential for success?  If we miss a few opportunities to make advancement in science — “So be it?”

How do I hire my own medical research team?  I may become a victim of cancer, or of heart disease, or any number of other major diseases like diabetes…what if I become a victim of some “orphan” disease, that doesn’t have the return potential of the more common afflictions?  How do I know which research I should sponsor?  Should I only pay for the ones that might afflict me personally, or the ones that are the most profitable, or the projects that show the most optimistic prospects for success? How am I to know this? “So be it?”

How do I hire my own military forces? I wouldn’t know where to begin. Do I need a supertanker? Or should I invest my dollars in a new aircraft carrier? Does my military need more Medics or translators? Should my dollars go toward closing an old base and building a new one in a new location? Should my dollars go to more instructors in the war colleges or to more housing for recruits?  What if we all decided the military should have more tanks, but the professionals thought we needed more airplanes, does the Pentagon have to say “So be it?”

How do I hire someone to collect all the statistics in which I might be interested as an informed citizen?  Do I have to employ someone to compile and analyze employment statistics from all 50 states? Do I have to hire someone to compile statistics on crime in my state or region? Do I have to hire some person to compile and report economic data in all the various sectors of the economy?  If the information on which I might make decisions about economic and social policies aren’t available.. then “So be it?”

How do I hire someone to oversee accounting standards for commercial and financial enterprises with which I may come in contact?  Do I just guess that standards exist? Do I allow that there may be substantial differences in the way some firms and corporations report earnings, and just say “So be it?”

The truly sad part of this litany is that it will not seem as ridiculous to some people as it does to me.